Every year since 2000, Maxim magazine has released a list of the Top 100 hottest women in the World. Last year’s winner was Israeli model, Bar Refaeli. Other winners include Katy Perry , Eva Longoria [2005 & 2006, only female to win twice], and Jessica Alba . This year however the winner is Miley Cyrus. If you’d given me 100 guesses, I wouldn’t have even come close to guessing her as the winner. I would have guessed her father, Billy Ray, before ever assuming her as the winner.
What on Earth happened? Was there a meeting of Women Built Like Teenage Boys who met in a bomb-shelter, and then a XX-Chromosome killing bomb went off, killing all women on Earth. After the meeting, Gwyneth Paltrow & Miley Cyrus walked out of the bomb-shelter. Then, due to the XX Bomb mentioned earlier, they were named the 2 hottest women alive. [Paltrow was named People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Miley Cyrus is cute at best. That’s when she has long, brunette hair. This short, androgynous hair-cut she has going on now absolutely does not work for her. Not to mention she’s extremely boney with no curves. That photo of her in the gold bikini looks like a picture of David Bowie, not the hottest woman in the World. People really think Miley is hotter that Kat Dennings, Christina Hendricks, and Katy Perry?! Are women with curves & healthy looking bodies just not doing it for some people? Are guys dying for a small helping of pancake butt? Yeesh. The remaining ladies of the list are as such…
2. Selena Gomez – Alright! A huge batch of average! Whoohoo! I know she’s of age, but Selena still looks extremely young, thus anyone who isn’t a teenager that lusts after her needs to look over his shoulder for Chris Hansen and the said chat-log.
3. Rihanna – Win! A mannish looking chick with short, unattractive hair that is also an idiot as dictated by her choice of dating a guy who beats her!
4. Mila Kunis – Definitely cute, but absolutely not deserving of Top 10. Top 50, perhaps. However, if you threw a brunette wig on top of a mop you’d have her stunt double, and no one would notice a difference. Are people truly still stuck on this whole “skinny is hot” thing? I mean, she had to have a stunt-ass in Friends With Benefits! Terrible. Terrible.
5. Jennifer Lawrence – OK, we’ve finally reached a girl who deserves to be in the Top 10. I haven’t seen The Hunger Games, but I can vouch for the fact she was amazing looking in X-Men: First Class. She has an amazing body that isn’t stick-figurish, and her face is one of those rare combos of being able to pull of being both hot & cute. I’m one of those people too.
6. Jennifer Love Hewitt – Be still my beating heart. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that JLH shouldn’t be number 1 every year. She has a flawless face, long brunette hair, and one of the best bodies of all time. She’s thick, provides a positive body-image, and is so insanely hot that it doesn’t make sense.
7. Ashley Tisdale – Honestly, I thought she was cuter before the nose job. Although, I tend to have a thing for girls with odd noses. Why that is, I have no idea. She’s very pretty, but again my complaint is that her body isn’t much. She’s far too skinny, with no curves.
8. Kate Upton – I think Kate would do herself a big favor by dying her hair dark. I mean, really, another blonde with big boobs? Freaking yawn. She’s not bad though, I just don’t go gaga over her like most guys.
9. Vanessa Hudgens – Meh. I could honestly go to any mall in America and find about 30 girls who look like her. She’s not bad looking, but she’s insanely average. Can anyone tell me she’s honestly hotter than Alison Brie, or Sophia Vergara? Didn’t think so.
10. Elisha Cuthbert – Huh? I’m sorry, but was the list I got accidentally mixed up with the one from 10 years ago? I honestly couldn’t tell you anything she’s been in outside of Old School & Girl Next Door, and I certainly couldn’t tell you anything recent she’s done, if anything.
Before I’d go, I’d like to talk 2 glaring omissions and one absolute farce of an inclusion.
Where are Anne Hathaway & Lacey Chabert? These are two of the hottest women I’ve ever seen, and they don’t even make the list. Yet HEATHER GRAHAM IS ON THE LIST?! Heather Graham?! I’d be outraged if this were 1999, yet it’s almost 15 years later. Even in what people would consider her “prime” I thought she was tall, lanky, and far too thin. You pack 15 years on to that, and the sheer fact she hasn’t been in the spotlight for over a decade, and you’ll see my amazement at the fact she was in the low 20’s of the list. Sweet fancy Moses.
Oh well, at least Kim Kardashian nor any of her sisters made the list. I hope that very fact bothers them. A lot.
Well put, Caliber. This is a travesty.