So, they revealed the main actors for Star Wars VII: A New Dawn the other day and now our collective keyboards are covered with ejaculate, and the women’s libbers are throwing the Bechdel Test around like they made it up themselves. But what does it all mean? I’m here to break down what matters and what doesn’t.. let’s take a look.

Star Wars VII

Star Wars IV timeline- borrowed from XKCD

#1- Timeline

J.J.’s team leaked that part VII will take place about 30 years after the events of Return of the Jedi. What you should know is, even with the destruction of the second Death Star, and the sudden disappearance of The Emperor, nothing changed for the future of the inhabitants of that Galaxy Far Far Away. Darth Vader was simply a figurehead position no more powerful on paper than your favourite Poet Laureate; think Maya Angelou with emphysema.

This was, in fact, a government and being that the Death Star II was barely operational, the implication is that there was a skeleton crew of officials working on it at best, we have to assume that the majority of movers and shakers were on Coruscant pushing papers and writing laws that take more power from the people. I assume they will bring back stoning drunks and the selling of female adulterers into slavery.

So, did the Terrorists Rebellion win? They won nothing. They killed a corrupted elected official, and there will have been steps taken the moment the transmissions from the forest moon of Endor stopped coming in. Presumably, some Admiral and his Star Destroyer would have been dispatched to check it out, maybe another fight would have taken place, but the Terrorists Rebels would be too drunk to have fought that one and probably lost more of their stolen ships. Luke, Leia, and Han, with Threepio and Artoo in tow, would have escaped, of course, Lando would have thrown his hands up and said, “Fuck this, shit.” and opened a night club on Dantooine (too remote a planet for the Empire to notice) with Nein Numb that catered to gamblers and tax-evaders. We already know Chewbacca has a family, and the Ewoks ate all the Stormtroopers so that takes care of the main players.

Star Wars VII

SW7 A New Dawn

#2- Sub-title- A New Dawn

Now, I have not been able to find out if the is legit, or a ruse, like Blue Harvest, but if it is then, A New Dawn seems to hint that the aforementioned battle lasted longer than planned, many more lives lost. I suspect Han lost an eye, but grew a kick-ass beard, and Leia and he never had kids because they were too busy trying to get the new government back in order.

So, 30 years later Luke has gone through his dark spell of depression from losing his father, and having a sister who doesn’t give two shits about Anakin’s death, and he’s done sleeping his way around the Galaxy, teaching Jedi-like parlour tricks to hookers for hand-jobs. Han has tracked down Luke in Tatooine, where Luke went to double check some information the Mormons gave him about his Father killing a bunch of Sandpeople who raped his Grandmother and Han tells him to come home some crazy shit is happening and the new Jedi School on Coruscant needs him because the ghosts of Yoda and Obi-wan are tired and just “don’t relate” to the kids these days, “What with all their hippity-hop, and their Game Boys.”

The title, of course, will turn out to be ironic because the Dawn only last about the first 10 minutes of the film before the new bad guy is revealed… now, the wonder is whether the bad guy will be Bad! with a Capital Bee, or come in the form of a new Rebellion that dislikes what Leia and the rest of the original Terrorists Rebels have implemented as the new government. I suspect the first film will end with a sit-in, and then a riot… sorry no bra-burning, since there are “No bras in the Star Wars universe.”

#3- The New Cast- in alphabetical order

John Boyega Star Wars VII

John Boyega

3a- John Boyega

With everyone bitching about there only being one girl in the cast (not including Leia) no one from the vocal community of the NAACP for casting John Boyega as what we all assume is a lead role. How PC of Abrams. Boyega was in the amazing Attack the Block and I don’t know him personally so I don’t know if he officially fits all the original casting call of  fit, handsome twenty something male, but on first look it seems correct.

I can only assume he will play one of Luke’s illegitimate children from his troubled years after Return, and comes back to find his father, and Luke’s and his story line will be close to what Hank Moody is going through on Californication this season.

Star Wars VII

Adam Driver

3b- Adam Driver

To the rest of the world this Adam guy seems to have come out of nowhere when he appeared on the TV series GIRLS, but I suspect he has been working away in the New York theatre scene. I dig this guy, I have a man-crush on him, and will watch anything he is in. His action seems honest to me, and I love that he does not have the traditional chiselled Milquetoast look Hollywood seems to go for these days.

Story is he is tapped for a bad guy. So, be ready to see this kid dressed like Che Guevara replete with goatee, and bubble-filled voice, silkily convincing the youth of Coruscant to overtake the new government by not washing, and only eating lima beans.

Star Wars VII

Domhnall Gleeson

3c- Domhnall Gleeson

God damn Bill Weasley, forever known as “The Twin that lived” around the halls of Hogwarts. He was comic relief in the Potter films, for the most part, but he charmed the living crap out of us in the Richard Curtis film About Time.

Being that he is ginger one might imagine he will be one of the other bad guys in the film, but my thoughts are he will be the new Space Pirate, filling the void of Han Solo, but with a hint of self-deprecation to spice up the festivities. Maybe he’ll meet the gang through Lando at his club, a little Blue Milk has been known to soften even the nastiest scum and villains- finally stealing all our hearts only to die in Part VIII, after proving he has a heart of gold saving another one of Luke’s illegitimate brood.

Star Wars VII

Oscar Issac

3d- Oscar Isaac

He wowed us as the only good part of Zack Snyder’s trash-bin of missed opportunities, Suckerpunch. He scared us in Nicholas Winding Refn’s Drive, and we empathized with him in the Coen’s Finding Llewyn Davis. He’s a great actor, with an unmistakable presence that further proves that Abrams knows how to cast.

With a charismatic fella like Isaac, we have to guess that he will be a teacher at John Adams High Jedi School with a tortured past. He will seem sweet and innocent at first and finally reveal his true identity at the end of the Fourth Act (Yes, Star Wars movies are in five acts). My thoughts, his Dad was the Rancor keeper who committed suicide after Luke killed the Rancor, leaving Isaacs and his Mom to work as slaves for Watto.

Star Wars VII

Daisy Ridley

3e- Daisy Ridley

Not much is know of this young woman, she was in one episode of Mr. Selfridge and the tremendously funny Toast of London, but nothing of note. Abrams had already stated he was planning to go in the unknowns route so that we are experiencing the story through fresh characters and not, “Hey it’s Sam ‘Muther-fucking’ Jackson.” Which this fan is happy for.

Rumours are that she would maybe play Leia and Han’s kid but since I already said they won’t have kids, this can’t be the case. My two cents are throw in the hat of hot-shot pilot, and daughter of some dignitary- constantly battling against her family duties and her want to rid the world of the last of the Empire. Being that this is a Spielberg Abrams film she will be plucky, and probably one of the main cast we will follow the majority of the story through.

Star Wars VII

Andy Serkis

3f- Andy Serkis

The man who played all the parts in Lord of the Rings, and The Hobbit, is now going to play most of the parts in Star Wars, and this writer believes, will also have a nice secondary role here as well. He was amazing as Captain Haddock in the TinTin film, and all the nerds love him, too. Me three.

What will he end up doing: Probably owns a planet somewhere, doesn’t care who runs the Galaxy, until Oscar Isaac or Adam Driver arrive one day and take over. He might work with them for a bit, until they kills some innocent or his favourite Kowakian monkey-lizard for laughing too much and bam! he’s a good guy, flying blockage runners, and smuggling plans in his various naughty-bits.

Star Wars VII

Max Von Sydow

3g- Max Von Sydow

He tried to take over the world by drugging a beer that would make people play hockey, he was a guide for Robin Williams to get to his wife in purgatory, and he helped remove a demon from a young girl who enjoyed crosses a little too much. Sydow needs no introduction, he is a great actor, and a presences that lends such weight to the series that could have just been another B-movie.

In the vein of Guiness, Lee, and Cushing, we have the classic; the legend. And in some way (and I hate to quote Lucas) he adds a poetry to the proceedings by lending his status to the film. Whether he turns out to be a long lost Sith, or he is another hermit Jedi hiding out we are all excited to find out.

4- The Original Cast- the gist

Star Wars VII

Star Wars you crack me up

Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Peter Mayhew and Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker.

Han and Leia, and Luke, and Chewie are all back in various capacities, and our hope is very very limited. This should be a new story and a new cast, and, although, romantic in gesture to have all them old-hands around to give the series a kind of blessing, they have served their time. My hope is they do give Carrie Fisher her own personal trainer and she proves to us how hot she still is.

Not sure why we need to bring Kenny Baker back since you can easily make R2-D2 remote control, but I am interested to see how Anthony Daniels feels since Baker has been slowly revealing how much a douche Daniels was to him during filming.

Star Wars VII

Yikes! How many pieces of Flare is that?

5- Lens Flare

Yup, there will be lens flare but this time it will be because, Abrams will be filming this to celebrate the original films, probably in Anamorphic, and certainly in 70mm. No digital shit here. This is for life. This is for the fans. And Abrams has admitted that this is what he has wanted to do, even before, and during, Star Trek. So, all you lens flare haters can get off your high horse and embrace the “realistic” look of our new Star Wars films.

In conclusion

Perhaps some liberties were taken here, but no more than any other fanboy and website out there. To me the only Star Wars that is official goes like this, Star Wars, Empire, Return, The 3 Brian Daley Han Solo books, the 3 L. Neil Smith Lando novels, and the Alan Dean Foster penned Splinter of the Mind’s Eye. Nothing else matters. Once Lucas had his divorce he changed, and not for the good, the series went off in weird directions and I can only assume he has been consistently drunk since 1983.

James C.