The summer season is almost upon us once again, and that can only mean one thing: severe sunburns. And also: movies! It is therefore the occasion to countdown my top five most anticipated summer movies of 2013.


5. Jurassic Park 3D


Now I can finally relive the moment when Steven Spielberg’s career turned into making commercial garbage… IN 3D! No summer movie season isn’t complete these days without a shoddy 3D re-packaging of a movie I originally enjoyed because I was a kid and didn’t know any better. It’s like the selling out is coming right at you! Once they pinch every last cent out of this, do you think they’ll do the marginally less entertaining sequels? Count me in!

Release: April 5


4. The Purge

Summer Movies 2013

The Purge is about a future United States where for one night every year across the nation, crime of any kind is permissible for some reason. Ethan Hawke and Lena Headey play a married couple who have to keep their family safe during this government-sanctioned hell-spree. I mostly want to see The Purge to witness how bad Hollywood can fuck up a halfway decent idea. Their first mistake? Casting Ethan Hawke.

Release: May 31

3. The Canyons

Summer Movies 2013

Lindsey Lohan is hoping this will be the comeback feature Liz & Dick wasn’t. All it means for me is I can finally fulfill my middle school dream of seeing her naked. Then I can watch that simple boyhood dream crumble beneath Lohan’s double chin as she awkwardly dry humps porn-actor-cum-co-star James Deen. There are other reasons to see The Canyons. It’s written by Bret Eston Ellis, famed writer of American Psycho (the novel, not the movie on which it was based) and it’s directed by Paul Schrader (writer of Taxi Driver and director of such films as Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist). But apparently The Canyons is pretty shitty according to this New York Times profile of the production published in January. Sounds like a can’t-miss summer hit!

Release: June


2. Tyler Perry Presents Peeples

Summer Movies 2013

Tyler Perry takes aim to knock another one out of the park this May with Tyler Perry Presents Peeples. As a huge fan of Perry’s body of work, I can’t wait to see Peeples and am already eagerly adopting the word “peeples” as an alternative to the traditional spelling of “peoples.” What’s that? Peeples is a reference to the name of the family in the film? Well fuck it then. It’s got Craig Robinson. Also crossing my fingers for a Madea cameo. Tyler Perry will prove once again why he’s America’s favorite filmmaker!

Release: May 10


1. Iron Man 3… Just kidding!

1. Birdemic 2: Resurrection

Summer Movies 2013

The highly anticipated sequel to the smash horror hit of 2008 is finally swooping into a limited release this April. Returning are original stars Alan Bagh and Whitney Moore, and original writer-director Jame Nguyen. The first Birdemic was one of the finest horror films of the past decade, and I can’t wait to see where Nguyen takes the sequel. Hopefully we can get a third film to round out the trilogy sometime around 2015.

Release: April


What film from my list made it onto yours? Also, hit me up in the comments with your own list!