I swear, someone in Hollywood has it out for me. Two of my most beloved films, Bloodsport & Kickboxer are each getting reboots. Relativity Media, which is behind Bloodsport, has attached James McTeigue, the director of V For Vendetta, to helm the picture. Naturally, because they want to twist the knife after sticking you with it, the plot of the film will be changed entirely. Here’s what the new version is supposed to be “the morally-conflicted life of 21st century mercenaries who clash with the underground world of Brazilian Vale Tudo, the martial arts style used by Donald Gibb’s character in the original film.”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Jackson didn’t have a style in Bloodsport! Unless you count being as big as a refrigerator and clubbing people a style. If they’re going to change it up so much, why even bother calling it Bloodsport? The writers originally attached to the reboot were Robert Kamen [Taken] and Phillip Noyce [Salt]. Two writers I feel like I could trust. However it’s now in the hands of Craig Rosenberg [The Uninvited]. What about the part of Bloodsport allegedly being based on a true story? Are we just going to skip over all that too? I swear, these Hollywood people have no souls.
Kickboxer is originally about two brothers, one of whom is a kickboxing champion, that go to Thai Land in order for the champion brother to defend his title. Well, he ends up being paralyzed by the vicious champ, Tong Po, and in order to get revenge, Van Damme, the other brother, learns Muai Thai. It’s a great action film, and one of Van Damme’s best. There’s a certain charm to it that is 100% not going to be anywhere near this reboot. There’s no script yet, so no idea if the new Kickboxer will be about an airline pilot who’s nervous about his first flight or not. The writers attached are TV writer Jim McGrath (Air America, Matlock) and his former collaborator Dimitri Logothetis (The Lost Angel, Air America). Boy, if there’s one guy I know can craft Kickboxer, it’s the guy who once wrote for Matlock. My only hope is the director attached, Hong Kong filmmaker Stephen Fung (Tai Chi Zero). The guy seems to know how to do a martial arts film. But how would he handle the Van Damme dance scene? Something I’m sure won’t be included.
Why do I get the feeling that one day I’m going to awake in a prison with a Hollywood exec leaning over me? I’ll be beaten & bloody and say “why didn’t you just kill me?” to which he’ll say “You do not fear death. No, your punishment must be more severe”. I’ll then see a TV wrapped in chicken wire, that’s playing the Van Damme remakes.