Stupid ponies sing songs and crap

The Lowdown

My Little Pony. What is a good way to describe this cartoon? The ponies in question are multi-colored ponies with multi-colored mohawks/manes. You know how the Care Bears have their symbols plastered on their bellies to know who they are and what their character trait is? My Little Pony has their symbols tattooed on their asses like a gay biker. As a matter of fact, if you are not a little girl, this cartoon possesses the actual power to strip you of your manhood. Thank God when I finished watching these DVDs, I checked and still had my penis. I was actually getting worried there for a minute.

In A Very Minty Christmas, the pony referred to in the title – Minty – breaks the “Here Comes Christmas Candy Cane” and now Santa Clause won’t be able to make it to Ponyville. OH NO’S! Luckily she sets out to make things right so all the gay little stallions can get on with their holiday “cheer.”

Let’s look at the names of these ponies. Triple Treat, Minty, Cotton Candy, Sunny Daze, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Cloud Climber, Sparkleworks, Star Catcher and Sweetberry. With the exception of a pair of those names, I would expect this to be a Baskin Robbins franchise rather than a cartoon about stupid horses. Mmmm. Ice cream.

The cartoon starts with a song about loving Christmas that would make Walt Disney throw up. I guess you have noticed lately that I have been reviewing a lot of kid’s flicks for CHUD. Well, we here at CHUD get lots of DVDs to review, more I would assume than most sites. We believe it is our duty to review all the DVDs we get because somewhere out there is someone who might be interested in knowing if a DVD is worth buying or not. Once in a while we get something fucking cool – hello, Dark Knight on Blu-Ray (review coming soon). However, we also get a lot of crap. We get our fair share of Indie movies that aren’t worth your time of day and the onslaught of kid’s videos.

Now, I know a lot of you out there aren’t interested in these kid’s flicks, but there are a lot of people who read CHUD, who will always profess their manhood yet have toddlers and need to find something to pop in the DVD player to keep the kid’s occupied so they can get a break to post inane comments on an Internet message board. Well, I got a kid on the way and have decided to use my position as a DVD reviewer to build up quite a large collection of kid’s DVDs over the last two years. Reviewing movies has its perks. Unfortunately, that means I have to watch them and review them for you, the reader who doesn’t care.

Consider it a trade off for the very interesting foreign flicks I have reviewed over the last week. I will trade one review of crap like My Little Pony for three interesting foreign flicks I would never have seen otherwise. Hey, look at that. The cartoon is still playing. You know, I can’t tell which ponies are boys and which are girls, even when they talk. Maybe they are like Smurfs, by way of Donnie Darko, and are asexual. From the looks of them when they lie on their backs, they suffer from the Barbie and Ken malfunction.

Speaking of which, how many of you watched that Reality Show On the Lot last year? There was a brilliant short film called Army Guy where an army soldier was chasing an evil foreigner and ended up in a house full of women who all looked the same. The twist at the end was great and I thought of it when Barbie and Ken came to mind. That was a fun short film. I wish I was watching it right now instead.

The songs on A Very Minty Christmas are very grating and the voice actors (They sound like they are actual kids) are annoying. What’s the lure of this show again? Thank God the first one is over. Let me grab some Advil and I’ll be right back.

Would it be wrong to start a drinking game and get trashed while writing this review? Every time the ponies make a comment that makes me think of ice cream, I will take a shot. Every time they do something that makes me think they are gay, I will take a shot. Every time they sing an annoying song, I will drink until the pain goes away. Let’s start with the Bonus Episode on the DVD called Dancing in the Clouds.

Hey, the voice actors aren’t kids but are actually thirty and forty year old adults who never seemed to hit puberty!!! “I wish everyone could feel like they were dancing in the clouds!” There’s a shot. “You are extra special welcome, hee hee hee.”  Another Shot!!!!

Shit, game over man. Fifteen minutes in and I think I’m gonna puke. That’s more damaging than the Kevin Smith drinking game and my liver ain’t happy right now. But hey, that is one disc down and one to go.

My Little Pony Live: The World’s Biggest Tea Party. Oh, dear God it’s a live stage show. It’s from a touring production that lasted from 2006-2008. The kids in the audience all seem to be under five and are almost all female. That’s the target audience all right. The musical lasted 90 minutes but thank God this DVD version only lasted about an hour.

Sometimes I hate my job. Tomorrow it’s back to Asian cinema for me. And I promise at least twenty more reviews without a cartoon from me. And that Dark Knight Blu-Ray review is coming!

The Package

A Very Minty Christmas has two Sing-a-Longs (That’s What I Love About Christmas and Nothing Says Christmas Like a Pair of Socks). It also came with a toy pony of Minty. The World’s Biggest Tea Party has five Sing-a-Longs (Where do Rainbow’s Come FromMake a New Friend EverydayPositively PinkFriendship & Flowers, and We’re the Lady Bugs).

Please shoot me.