WWE Monday Night Raw opens with John Cena coming out to the ring. Last I heard, he was supposed to miss tonight because he was filming his new movie (which is why he missed the WWE Live show I attended last Saturday night – check out the WWE Live results from Oklahoma City here). John Cena cut a promo about being worried about fighting Brock Lesnar. That brought out Paul Heyman, who cut a great promo about Lesnar making Cena a victim. Cena then cut one of his best promos in a long time back at Heyman about having heart (he mentioned ECW as proof that Heyman fights with heart).
Then Cesaro came out. Heyman looked worried but Cesaro said that the two have gone their separate ways but he won’t let Cena insult his friend. Cesaro then got a great line where he said that Cena looks like a jacked up walking billboard, pointed out Cena’s shoes and said Cena can’t wrestle in sneakers, but then added that Cena can’t wrestle at all. That sets up the first match.
John Cena vs. Cesaro
This was an amazing match. Cesaro actually countered out of the AA by landing on his feet. Then, Cena blocked the Neutralizer with a backdrop. Cesaro hit the Big Swing on Cena, as well as the big suplex from the outside ring apron and over the top buckle and to the mat. Cena finally won when he caught Cesaro on the top buckle and hit the AA from off the top buckle. It was an amazing match and Cesaro looked like a star.
Winner: John Cena (****)
Backstage and Stephanie McMahon is shaken up and told Triple H that she cannot go back to jail and can’t disappoint their children again. While Triple H was trying to console his wife, Randy Orton interrupts and said that he wants the title shot at Summerslam instead of Brock Lesnar. Triple H said that he could change the match, but he won’t because he needs Randy Orton to take out Roman Reigns instead of getting the title shot. He said Orton won’t get another title shot until he gets rid of Roman Reigns. Orton said that he can take out Reigns tonight, but Triple H said Kane will fight Reigns tonight. Orton said that he has a problem with Kane and Reigns, and now it looks like he has a problem with Triple H as well and walks off.
Paige came out to the ring, skipping the entire way to mock AJ Lee (she did the same thing at the Oklahoma City house show where she fought AJ Lee for the Divas title again). Paige said that she is young and still lets her emotions get in her way, but AJ Lee is still her best friend in the whole wide world. She promises that she will never act that way again. That brought out AJ Lee. “Oh, Paige, my sweet young Casper looking crumpet.” AJ Lee said that she doesn’t play little girl games and she will talk crap to someone’s face like a real woman. The Paige called AJ Lee crazy. That wasn’t smart. AJ asked Paige what she called her and Paige said she would never make fun of AJ Lee’s mental health. AJ Lee snapped and attacked Paige. This ended with Paige leaving while a lot of the fans chanted “CM Punk.”
Triple H and Stephanie McMahon came out next (seriously, we are at one hour on WWE Monday Night Raw and there has only been one match so far). They showed McMahon getting arrested last week and the fans are all chanting “jail bird.” Triple H tells the fans he was disappointed in the fans for laughing at Stephanie last week when she was arrested. Triple H said that all the charges were dropped except the assault and battery charge Brie Bella filed and Stephanie McMahon asks Brie Bella to come to the ring to put this behind them.
However, Chris Jericho comes out instead! Triple H has his finger on his temple and looks like he is getting a headache. Jericho said that he feels horrible for Stephanie and wanted to let her know how he feels with a song and sang “Bad Boys” – this is classic Y2J and is awesome. #jailbird is trending on Twitter. Jericho tells her this is 2014 and Orange is the New Black. He said this is why the WWE Network was created so they can watch Stephanie getting arrested over and over and over and over… Jericho said that he respects Triple H for standing my his little flower with his big, giant nose out to here and then asks why Triple H didn’t go with Stephanie to the police station instead of waiting till the show ended.
He said he knows why. He said that Triple H realized what Jericho has known for 10 years. Stephanie is nothing more than a “filthy, dirty, brutal, bottom-feeding, trash bag ho.” Triple H has lost it. That was awesome. Triple H tells Chris Jericho he should focus more on Bray Wyatt and Jericho said he wants Wyatt tonight. Triple H tells Jericho to wait for Summerslam and tonight, Jericho will fight … Seth Rollins smashes Jericho from behind with the Money in the Bank briefcase.
The Miz and Rybaxel vs. Dolph Ziggler and The Usos
An hour and fifteen into WWE Monday Night Raw and we finally get our second match. The new stable of Xavier Woods, Kofi Kingston and Big E are backstage watching this match. The match was pretty good with The Miz once again trying to protect his face more than he was trying to win. Dolph Ziggler pinned Ryback for the win and it looks like Ziggler is finally out of the dog house. The new stable comes out and faces them down after the match.
Winners: Dolph Ziggler and The Usos (** ½)
R-Truth vs. Bo Dallas
R-Truth came to the ring doing his rapping. Then Bo Dallas came down and said that he knows that R-Truth will never be undefeated like Bo Dallas is, and as a matter of fact R-Truth has lost a lot of matches. R-Truth then pinned Bo Dallas with a cradle, which ended Dallas’ undefeated streak. What the hell? Dallas said that he can’t Bo-lieve that R-Truth ended the streak and then beat the living crap out of R-Truth before doing his victory lap after that.
Winner: R-Truth (1/2 *)
Rusev and Lana are in the ring and they talk about how great Russia is, how pathetic the American flag is now, how bad of a president Obama is and how horrible George Bush was before him (they are in Houston). Jack Swagger came out next with Zeb Colter. Colter cut another amazing promo (“you blonde headed twit”) about how great it is to be an American, We the People.
Damien Sandow vs. Adam Rose
This week, Damien Sandow is dressed like an astronaut (“Houston, we have a problem”). Adam Rose is out next with the Rose Buds (“You sour, sour, sour little space man”). Rose hit the Party Foul and won a few seconds after the match started.
Winner: Adam Rose (*)
Kane vs. Roman Reigns
Randy Orton attacked Roman Reigns as Reigns came through the WWE crowd on the way to the ring. Reigns took the advantage, headed to the ring and attacked Kane. Orton ran in and attacked Reigns again but Reigns hit the Superman Punch. Kane then hit the choke slam on Reigns and then walked out. That allowed Orton to beat down Reigns. Orton threw Reigns into the ring steps numerous times and then hit the hanging DDT from the ringside barricade and onto the floor. Orton then hit the RKO onto the announcer’s table, which didn’t break. He then hit a second one, which finally broke the table. This was the biggest beat down on Reigns since he entered the WWE.
Winner: No Contest (***)
Fandango vs. Diego
Summer Rae and Layla came down with Diego and El Torito for the match (and seemed to fluster the little bull). Summer Rae and Layla are The Slayers and are looking for their Prince Charming. Fandango went for his flying leg drop but El Torito got on the other buckle and mocked him. That distracted Fandango enough for Diego to get the win.
Winner: Diego (*)
Stephanie McMahon approaches Nikki Bell backstage and says that she hopes that Brie Bella can be reasonable. Nikki said that it is not all the time that someone like Stephanie has to eat a plate of crap, but she hopes she likes the taste of it. Back from commercial and we get another Goldust and Stardust promo, where they are still looking for the Cosmic Key.
Natalya and Naomi vs. Cameron and Alicia Fox
The match was short and Cameron was acting vindictive and arrogant but Naomi locked in a nice submission hold and Cameron tapped out.
Winner: Natalya and Naomi (*)
Chris Jericho vs. Seth Rollins
This was a fantastic match. At one point, Rollins hit his buckle buster but Chris Jericho reversed out of the Curb Stomp to go for the Walls of Jericho, only for Rollins to roll out of it and hit a big kick. The end came when Rollins leaped to the top rope but flew right into the Code Breaker. Before Jericho could go for the pin, the lights went out and when they came back on, the Wyatt Family was in the ring. The Wyatt Family beat down Jericho and Bray hit Sister Abigail’s Kiss to put down Jericho.
Winner: No Contest (****)
The main event promo on WWE Monday Night Raw saw Stephanie McMahon come to the ring for her meeting with Brie Bella. She came out without Triple H this time. “I stand before you a humbled woman.” Her kids are scarred for life, blah, blah, blah and that brought out Brie Bella who called Stephanie a whining, sniveling rich bitch. Stephanie said that she doesn’t deserve this but Brie said Stephanie deserves to go to hell. Stephanie said that she will leave Nikki Bella alone and Brie Bella said she is being insulted. Brie has demands. She wants her job back (even though she quit). Stephanie said one Bella is enough in the WWE. Brie said that she would see her in court. Stephanie said that Brie could have her job back. Brie said there was one more thing she wanted – a match at Summerslam – and Stephanie said ok.
Brie said she wants a match against Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie said that she hasn’t competed in over 10 years. Brie said she won’t drop the charges so Stephanie agrees. McMahon is crying again and said she won’t lower herself to wrestling Brie so Bella threatens the court case again. If Stephanie wrestles Brie at Summerslam, Brie will drop all charges. Stephanie is crying and yes and then slaps the piss out of Brie and said she will make Brie her bitch at Summerslam. McMahon starts a Yes chant but Brie Bella jumps Stephanie. Triple H sends the agents (Jamie Noble, Fit Finley and Joey Mercury) out to separate them, which barely works.