Institutes, critical and academic circles, journals, philosophers – so many have tried and failed to ascertain which films are truly the greatest of all time. Citizen Kane, Vertigo, Seven Samurai, Gone with the Wind, Lawrence of Arabia – there have been many contenders, yet a definitive list has always been contested. There has never been an objective list, because for years no one thought it was even possible.
Well, the wait is over, as we here at Renegade Cinema have devised a Flawless Algorithm© that assess every film ever made against every filmmaking variable possible – dialogue, definitive action, costume, make-up, lensing, mise-en-scene, everything. It even considers variables such as the era in which the film was made and its sociological impact at the time of release, so that it can truly determine the greatest films of all time.
It’s taken a while — seven years — for our Flawless Algorithm© to come up with even a list of the top five. But the time is finally nigh. Renegade Cinema proudly presents the world’s very first definitive, objective list of what are – unarguably – the five greatest films ever made.
Interesting first pick, Flawless Algorithm©, very unexpected. This is why we chose the Flawless Algorithm©, because a flawed human film academic – with their limited human perspective — would probably overlook a film like Dumber and Dumberer, barring it even from consideration. Flawless Algorithm© has no bias. It’s so refreshing to get a perspective not tainted with the burden of human subjectivity.
Dumb and Dumberer was chosen for its unparalleled script – a definitive work of global comedic cinema. Until now the film has been considered a horrific blunder, however now that it has been revealed as the masterpiece that it is by our Flawless Algorithm©, we are confident that Dumb and Dumberer’s stature in the world of film criticism and academe will change to reflect its new honor as the fifth greatest film of all time.
Now this is more like it! The Shining is hardly an unexpected choice. Kubrick’s masterwork of terror is widely considered by many— wait… the Flawless Algorithm© is spitting something out. It’s… a correction?
Huh, it actually meant the 1997 Shining. OK.
I mean, that’s not a bad adaptation either, right? I guess I can see why Flawless Algorithm© would choose this film over all others for the coveted fourth spot. Even the Kubrick Shining wasn’t perfect, now that I think about it. It’s a good thing we have Flawless Algorithm©, because someone like me probably would have chosen the original The Shining, which would have been very, very wrong.
Right, well this is technically not a film – alright, yes, it is practically not a film. Dino-Riders was a cartoon show produced for one season in the late eighties to promote a short-lived line of toys.
We’re sure Flawless Algorithm© has good reasons for choosing Dino-Riders as the third greatest film ever made — perhaps because it’s an overlooked gem. Yes, the cinematic direction, the revolutionary acting. Dino-Riders, even though it lasted one season, affected change in every significant work of animation produced since. The ripples of Dino-Riders can be seen today. Pixar, Studio Ghibli, Aardman, Dreamworks Animation, who knows if any of these companies would exist without the influence of Dino-Riders.
Alright, f*ck it. This is f*cking ridiculous, Flawless Algorithm©. You mean to tell me Superbabies is the second greatest film ever f*cking made? SUPER F*CKING BABIES?!
F*ck you. F*ck you f*ck you f*ck you.
Three years — three goddamn years just to design and program this f*cking algorithm. Seven more for it to sh*t out the five best films ever and I get this. That’s a f*cking decade of my life.
I mean honestly, ten years of my life, easily down the drain here. F*cking Christ. What am I supposed to do now, huh? Go back to f*cking film school? They f*cking laughed me out of there when I presented my designs for the Flawless Algorithm©. I promised the head of the film program that I would have his desk.
Sh*t. F*cking sh*t, why did I do that?
F*ck! I can’t f*cking believe it’s all come to this. Mom was f*cking right. Should have been an engineer or some sh*t.by